| smokes
leaving to marines
became a little cocky/has too much for pride, for what.
settles for less
has a fetish for girls who talks dirty to him
disrespects me/his new attitude
would always put up a fight with me
would always think i'm wrong
doesn't appreciate the small/big things i've done for him
hasn't realized what i did/my reasons
is badly influenced by friends
doesn't know what he wants in life
or even knows what he wants with me, or relationship
only wants to put me down when i want to bring him up these are all the things i do not like about him, he has changed so much. i hope he doesn't get mad for me thinking that i see him this way, but it's the real picture. why did i even bother fighting for this type of person? i know it's unconditional love, but it doesn't make me happy one bit. sometimes i feel like this isn't good for me when i fight for someone who's like that. it's like i'm only fighting to get shot and hurt in the end. i only want to be with someone who will be good for me and to me. i miss the old good him. i miss the one who was so caring, the one who had a good heart, the one who took time to understand & listen to me, someone who wasn't afraid to talk to me to fix our problems, someone who was open and passionate, the one who had a strong mind, someone who knew his life & future. patrick was the one who did deserve the best. honestly, what the hell happened? was he faking it the first time when he tried asking me out on november 30/december 16 2010? and then decides to go back on "his words" & took advantage of just being single after i told him that "this doesn't feel right" in may? this time was supposed to be a reflection, and for re-inspiration to bring the fire back. i don't deserve any kind of guy who is like this. it hurts to see someone i knew became into someone else. i really do miss the good him, but i think he should do whatever in his mind feels to make him happy. i'd rather see that out of him if he wants to be happy, but i just know that i'd rather have myself happy first than anything else. i still love him, very much. there's no doubt in my mind that i do. each and every little part of my heart is going to simply feel that way for him. even if i cry or tear a bit for every mistake/hurtful words/mistrust, i still love him. i know that's how it's always going to be, but i think sometimes i just need to stop falling for it. i do not want to be miserable and go back to something like that. i do not want him to feel miserable. i want what's good for him. i deserve a real man in my life. someone who is self-less, and doesn't want me just because. i think it's harder for me now, is because i think i've lost the fight after one whole year. i keep trying and no matter how hard i've tried, i used up too much of my strength and energy, that i haven't gotten anything back. i can already feel like he does want to talk to me and stuff like that, but why? i really do wish my dreams come true :( i believe in him so much, and i know i would be the only girl who would do that for him. but i just fucking hate crying. like i'm not a crying type of person, but he is the only person that knows me inside out and can make me weak in both ways. i only want to stay strong and be happy for the rest of my life. if i had one wish, i wish i could start my life all over again and start brand new, doing things the right way, knowing that i've experienced and learn from the past. i want my life to feel like it's worth living with no regret. sometimes i see old couples, being happy, and they're the reason why i believe that your first true love can be real and you can grow up with someone who you really do care for. it's so cute to see 2 people being loyal to each other even after 40 years of being married. i wish i can have something like that, that's why i'm still waiting for that special moment. that's why i'm in no rush, because there is nothing wrong with waiting. if i feel like there is someone perfect out there for me, i'd wait. because it'll mean that i'm going to be with the right person. i want to keep that genuine smile on my face. i hope he understands. i know he still has that good heart in him... "forever like diamonds" |